Friends of the Heart

“You are so incompetent as a woman sometimes, Sophie.”

“Sophie, you know that I despise this kind of verbalized sentimentality.  Stop before I vomit.”

“Pour me a cup of coffee, woman.”

“So help me I’ll kill you.”

People communicate closeness in various ways and in the case of “Friends of the Heart:  Communication between Long-Term Friends”, the communication between Sophie and Jay is very unique.  After their 13 years of friendship, Sophie liked to say that had they been heterosexual, theirs would have been a classic case of love at first sight.

Both having been through a great deal of heartbreak, they felt very comfortable with each other and established a relationship in which they often delighted themselves in arguing and went to great lengths to prove the other wrong.

“Thelma”, Jay yelled, “let’s drive off this cliff!”

“Did you call me ‘Thelma’, Thelma?”

“To tell you the truth, Louise, I don’t know which one’s which.  You be whoever you need to be.  You  be Angelina, I’ll be Brad.  Hell, you be Brad, I’ll be Angelina.”

The level of closeness between these two sets their relationship apart.  They are able to engage in physical closeness as they enjoy road trips together, as well as communicate their closeness in ways that may not seem affectionate, but are direct emotional expressions for them. 

“I love you too Sophie…I only thought about killing you twice today.”

Though many concepts could be used to describe the communication in this relationship, I think that the most notable characteristic between Sophie and Jay is their idiomatic behaviors.  Idiomatic behaviors have a specific meaning only to the people in a particular relationship and reflect the level of closeness they share.

“Don’t stop at bars, don’t blow up any oil trucks, and for Gods sake, don’t go near any cliffs.”

I’m pretty sure that most people have some type of relationship that resembles that of Sophie and Jay.  Whether it’s a romantic partner or a friend, after many years of getting to know each other we all develop a closeness that we express in different ways.  Sometimes closeness is expressed through compliments and praise, assurances, immediacy, social support, etc. and sometimes it’s expressed in ways that only those involved understand.  Regardless, as cognitive valiance theory suggests, closeness is created by two people through a series of moves and countermoves.

IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO

We'll Never Be That Kind of Couple: The Variabilty of Intimate Violence

In the case, “We’ll Never Be That Kind of Couple: The Variability of Intimate Violence”, through the walls of their new apartment, Emma and Jason begin to hear a couple fight excessively with each other.  They make the promise that they would never be like them.  After some time, the fights next door got louder and more disturbing until one day, Emma and Jason had their own lash out at each other. 

First, I’d like to say that if someone is constantly hearing negative stuff, eventually they will become negative too.  They tell us since grade school to associate with people of good character.  This is a good example as to why.  In this case, the first thing I thought about when they were listening to the couple fight every night was, “how long before they start fighting?”  It is human nature to adapt qualities, either good or bad, from the people around us.  The neighbors were a “bad” couple and after so much exposure to this “bad” even through the walls, it trickled in to a “good” relationship.

It was said in this case that “there is a big variety of violent couples-even ones that include no physical violence but a lot of verbal, psychological, and emotional violence.”  In domestic relationships that have begun to get violent, there are many factors that may lead up to that point which include: power, dominance, and influence.  However, regardless of what issues may be causing the abuse, it leads into hard emotions.  

Hard emotions result from violations of relational expectations and include anger, jealousy, hurt, and guilt.  In this case, you see a lot of anger and hurt in both couples in the story and they both need to reframe and repair.  This would be easier to do in the situation that Emma and Jason are in, rather than the next door neighbors because they have already hit rock bottom.

In the case of Emma and Jason, there is also an instant where they hear the relationship next door become physical and it worries Emma.  She communicated with a friend about calling the cops and she isn’t sure if she should get involved.  Soon thereafter, she and Jason begin arguing.  Believe it or not, we all have consciousness, and when something is bothering us we take it out on the ones we love.  This could have also been the case with this couple as they are both burdened with the idea that they may not be helping someone in need of help.

 

From my own personal experience I will make it clear to anyone that witnesses or hears abuse on any level……Help!

I remember being the girl in the next room, the one that I know all the neighbors heard and at my worst moments I would pray for them to call the cops or to knock on the door or something.  You never know what someone is going through and you never know how the abuse is affecting the person, or even if they will make it out alive.  People in the world don’t want to get involved.  They don’t think it’s their business, or even think that someone else will help, but in some cases you may be the only person someone is relying on.  Someone out there is praying for your help and continuing to suffer because you are too afraid to pick up a damn phone and tell the cops to check it out.  Women have been murdered because of these types of neighbors.  Many women have been beaten on the streets by men as bystanders walk by without trying to stop it.  It is very sad that people are afraid to help other people.  So I say this, “if you are afraid to pick up a phone and call the cops, or afraid to knock on the door to do a welfare check, close your eyes and imagine how afraid that women is right now…”

PS.  I know men are involved in situations too, I use the case of a women being abused to reflect my point in this case of Emma and Jason and also because research studies and APD conclude that the abuser is almost always a man.  No offense to any men reading this.  I also take this topic very seriously and think that people need to extend a hand to those that are in abusive relationships. 

I have attached the cycle of abuse per APD.  If you or anyone you know are in this type of a relationship, break the cycle today!