Friends of the Heart

“You are so incompetent as a woman sometimes, Sophie.”

“Sophie, you know that I despise this kind of verbalized sentimentality.  Stop before I vomit.”

“Pour me a cup of coffee, woman.”

“So help me I’ll kill you.”

People communicate closeness in various ways and in the case of “Friends of the Heart:  Communication between Long-Term Friends”, the communication between Sophie and Jay is very unique.  After their 13 years of friendship, Sophie liked to say that had they been heterosexual, theirs would have been a classic case of love at first sight.

Both having been through a great deal of heartbreak, they felt very comfortable with each other and established a relationship in which they often delighted themselves in arguing and went to great lengths to prove the other wrong.

“Thelma”, Jay yelled, “let’s drive off this cliff!”

“Did you call me ‘Thelma’, Thelma?”

“To tell you the truth, Louise, I don’t know which one’s which.  You be whoever you need to be.  You  be Angelina, I’ll be Brad.  Hell, you be Brad, I’ll be Angelina.”

The level of closeness between these two sets their relationship apart.  They are able to engage in physical closeness as they enjoy road trips together, as well as communicate their closeness in ways that may not seem affectionate, but are direct emotional expressions for them. 

“I love you too Sophie…I only thought about killing you twice today.”

Though many concepts could be used to describe the communication in this relationship, I think that the most notable characteristic between Sophie and Jay is their idiomatic behaviors.  Idiomatic behaviors have a specific meaning only to the people in a particular relationship and reflect the level of closeness they share.

“Don’t stop at bars, don’t blow up any oil trucks, and for Gods sake, don’t go near any cliffs.”

I’m pretty sure that most people have some type of relationship that resembles that of Sophie and Jay.  Whether it’s a romantic partner or a friend, after many years of getting to know each other we all develop a closeness that we express in different ways.  Sometimes closeness is expressed through compliments and praise, assurances, immediacy, social support, etc. and sometimes it’s expressed in ways that only those involved understand.  Regardless, as cognitive valiance theory suggests, closeness is created by two people through a series of moves and countermoves.

IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO

We'll Never Be That Kind of Couple: The Variabilty of Intimate Violence

In the case, “We’ll Never Be That Kind of Couple: The Variability of Intimate Violence”, through the walls of their new apartment, Emma and Jason begin to hear a couple fight excessively with each other.  They make the promise that they would never be like them.  After some time, the fights next door got louder and more disturbing until one day, Emma and Jason had their own lash out at each other. 

First, I’d like to say that if someone is constantly hearing negative stuff, eventually they will become negative too.  They tell us since grade school to associate with people of good character.  This is a good example as to why.  In this case, the first thing I thought about when they were listening to the couple fight every night was, “how long before they start fighting?”  It is human nature to adapt qualities, either good or bad, from the people around us.  The neighbors were a “bad” couple and after so much exposure to this “bad” even through the walls, it trickled in to a “good” relationship.

It was said in this case that “there is a big variety of violent couples-even ones that include no physical violence but a lot of verbal, psychological, and emotional violence.”  In domestic relationships that have begun to get violent, there are many factors that may lead up to that point which include: power, dominance, and influence.  However, regardless of what issues may be causing the abuse, it leads into hard emotions.  

Hard emotions result from violations of relational expectations and include anger, jealousy, hurt, and guilt.  In this case, you see a lot of anger and hurt in both couples in the story and they both need to reframe and repair.  This would be easier to do in the situation that Emma and Jason are in, rather than the next door neighbors because they have already hit rock bottom.

In the case of Emma and Jason, there is also an instant where they hear the relationship next door become physical and it worries Emma.  She communicated with a friend about calling the cops and she isn’t sure if she should get involved.  Soon thereafter, she and Jason begin arguing.  Believe it or not, we all have consciousness, and when something is bothering us we take it out on the ones we love.  This could have also been the case with this couple as they are both burdened with the idea that they may not be helping someone in need of help.

 

From my own personal experience I will make it clear to anyone that witnesses or hears abuse on any level……Help!

I remember being the girl in the next room, the one that I know all the neighbors heard and at my worst moments I would pray for them to call the cops or to knock on the door or something.  You never know what someone is going through and you never know how the abuse is affecting the person, or even if they will make it out alive.  People in the world don’t want to get involved.  They don’t think it’s their business, or even think that someone else will help, but in some cases you may be the only person someone is relying on.  Someone out there is praying for your help and continuing to suffer because you are too afraid to pick up a damn phone and tell the cops to check it out.  Women have been murdered because of these types of neighbors.  Many women have been beaten on the streets by men as bystanders walk by without trying to stop it.  It is very sad that people are afraid to help other people.  So I say this, “if you are afraid to pick up a phone and call the cops, or afraid to knock on the door to do a welfare check, close your eyes and imagine how afraid that women is right now…”

PS.  I know men are involved in situations too, I use the case of a women being abused to reflect my point in this case of Emma and Jason and also because research studies and APD conclude that the abuser is almost always a man.  No offense to any men reading this.  I also take this topic very seriously and think that people need to extend a hand to those that are in abusive relationships. 

I have attached the cycle of abuse per APD.  If you or anyone you know are in this type of a relationship, break the cycle today!

‘Shallow Talk and Separate Spaces: Dealing with Relational Conflict’

 

In the case ‘Shallow Talk and Separate Spaces: Dealing with Relational Conflict’, Sarah and Russell are experiencing an all too familiar conflict that most married people experience.  Sarah, a working woman and student, is experiencing frustrations and stress and feels as though there is too much to do and not enough time to do it.  Russell, her husband, is frustrated because he too comes home from work tired and he expects Sarah to do house work and dinner as well, but as soon as he mentions anything about dinner Sarah gets very defensive and an argument begins.  The argument gets a little out of hand and things are said that hurt each others’ feelings.  Thereafter, the two decide to avoid each other and give the silent treatment to each other in order to avoid arguing more.  This of course doesn’t make the situation any better because the hurt feelings are still simmering in their pots. 

In relationship to our course, I think both the man and the woman were experiencing devaluation, as they were both feeling unappreciated and unimportant.  When Russell mentioned to Sarah that she didn’t even have sex with him anymore, he was sending a hurtful message that caused Sarah to verbally react.  From there, the argument continued to escalate until they ended up shutting down and avoiding each other for the rest of the day.  Once the couple had a chance to cool off they were able to speak rationally and explain their true feelings.  It turns out that neither of them understood what the other was feeling, but once they communicated with each other, they were able to express themselves in the proper way to help their relationship rather than continue to argue about it. 

All too often many of us experience these issues in relationships and we react the same way as this couple did.  A lot of people try to avoid conflict so much that they push it under a rug until one day even the smallest thing like ‘what’s for dinner’ sets off a massive fight. The key here being:  COMMUNICATION.  In close relationships, we need to remember that it’s all about communication and without it the relationship will never be as strong as it could be.  We should not avoid topics, keep secrets, or use hurtful words or messages.  When we do we need to simmer down and do what the couple in this story did…go to each other with understanding and respect of the other persons feelings, talk to each other like human beings and have a discussion about what the issues may be, collaborate, compromise, yield, and forgive. 

I think that most people argue because they don’t know how to communicate effectively but I believe relationships fail because of conflict escalation and couples not knowing how to manage conflict.

He Says/She Says

      In the case of He Says/She Says a couple, Luke and Ginger, are having a hard time communicating with each other based on their gendered communication patterns.  Ginger wants to communicate with Luke about a mutual friend of theirs in hopes of connecting with him.  She begins a conversation about a job offer that her friend received, then begins talking about her friends current relationship and her relationship with her parents.  Luke becomes very frustrated with Ginger because he doesn't see how any of what she's saying relates to the job offer and tells her that she needs to stick to the subject. Ginger is getting frustrated because she just wants to talk to Luke and he's trying to give her advise instead of listening to her.
      This is a perfect example of Gender Norms and the differences in how men and women communicate.  Ginger wants acknowledgment, is showing emotionality, is speaking indirectly, just wants to talk and build the relationship.  Luke is wanting to solve the problem, speaking directly, and wants to speak about one subject and accomplish that subject without need for 'small talk' about other things.
      This problem is very common in relationships and many frustrations occur because of these communication differences.  I think a big part of solving the issue in both genders is recognizing that men and women communicate differently and making the effort to understand communication needs.  In the following clip, a husband is talking to a few ladies about this EXACT subject and the women are giving him sound advice of how to speak to his wife.  When he goes home and applies their advise, you'll notice how her attitude changes as she connects with him in a level he least expected.  I think this video portrays this subject and story to the fullest.  Sit back and enjoy and thanks for reading my blog -

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

    Mirror, Mirror on the wall:  Weight, identity, and self talk in women is a story that underlines issues of body image, identity, intrapersonal communication, race/ethnicity, and self esteem.  This story is about a girl whose self-esteem is completely warped by the notion of being thin and is convinced by her self talk that she is fat, which controls her life and relationships.  Her desire to be thin is overwhelming and she’ll do whatever it takes to be at her desired weight, even if it means sacrificing years of her life. 

    This story is a perfect example of how personal identities affect us throughout life and how our identities are formed based on verbal and non-verbal messages we send about ourselves and how other people respond to them.  The girl in this story has formed her identity based on the American culture to be thin and the image she portrays to others as a thin, beautiful girl.  However, her vision of self is very negative.  She is always evaluating herself and trying to achieve specific goals, which effect her identity.  

    It is known that women internalize the cultural standard of thinness and use that standard to judge themselves.  When they don’t measure up to that standard, it begins to effect their self esteem and self confidence, which creates identities that are not only shaped by how others see us, but by how we see ourselves.  This particular case is seen everyday among many women in the United States, and just as in this story, many women hide behind a false identity in their self-presentations.

    All six principles of Identity Management apply to this story.  Identity and the hierarchical structure is the first principle that applies to this story.  Her friends see some of the issues she has with how she looks, but the other people in her class don’t see the struggles she’s facing so biased opinions about her may occur.  Identity and the looking glass self is also applicable. This occurs as she still visualizes what happened to her when she was young and has formed her identity on the incidence of being made fun of for being fat when she was in the third grade.  Identity and the interpretation of feedback is seen when her friends are saying she’s having another one of her “fat days”, but also telling her she is thin and she is beautiful, therefore adhering to the belief that thin equals beautiful.  Identity, expectations, and behavior is seen when she is only eating vegetables and going to the gym, which are the characteristics to losing weight and being thin.  Identity and self-evaluation is seen when she is evaluating her meals and telling herself that she is fat and gained five pounds in one day because of what she ate.  As a result, she begins to tell herself that she is a failure and has no will power.  Identity and goal achievement is clear in the sense that she weighs 120 pounds and will do anything to be 110.  She is constantly telling herself that she needs to weigh 110 pounds, telling herself that unless she is at that weight then she is fat. Thus, her identity is suffering because she has yet to meet her goals.  Finally, her identity and relationships is seen with the friends that she is spending time with and comparing herself to.  Her friends already expect her to act the way she does and when she is in one of her “moods” they compliment her and tell her what she needs to hear.  She spends time with people that “up” her self esteem.  They tell her she’s thin and beautiful, they ask her where she is going to lose weight from, etc. which in some way makes her feel better, but still she struggles with self.

    This is a very realistic story showing how many women and young girls feel.  It portrays a lot of the issues that women are faced with when forming identities even from childhood.  Young girls’ identities are mostly formed on being ‘pretty’, as children we are always hearing how pretty we are, how pretty we look, etc.  In middle school and high school we learn that to be thin and pretty is to be popular. In college we see that being pretty allows us to have more attention and gain better opportunities. As grown women we are under the impression that thin is better and pretty is everything.  As a result, our identities and self esteems will at times suffer.