‘Shallow Talk and Separate Spaces: Dealing with Relational Conflict’

 

In the case ‘Shallow Talk and Separate Spaces: Dealing with Relational Conflict’, Sarah and Russell are experiencing an all too familiar conflict that most married people experience.  Sarah, a working woman and student, is experiencing frustrations and stress and feels as though there is too much to do and not enough time to do it.  Russell, her husband, is frustrated because he too comes home from work tired and he expects Sarah to do house work and dinner as well, but as soon as he mentions anything about dinner Sarah gets very defensive and an argument begins.  The argument gets a little out of hand and things are said that hurt each others’ feelings.  Thereafter, the two decide to avoid each other and give the silent treatment to each other in order to avoid arguing more.  This of course doesn’t make the situation any better because the hurt feelings are still simmering in their pots. 

In relationship to our course, I think both the man and the woman were experiencing devaluation, as they were both feeling unappreciated and unimportant.  When Russell mentioned to Sarah that she didn’t even have sex with him anymore, he was sending a hurtful message that caused Sarah to verbally react.  From there, the argument continued to escalate until they ended up shutting down and avoiding each other for the rest of the day.  Once the couple had a chance to cool off they were able to speak rationally and explain their true feelings.  It turns out that neither of them understood what the other was feeling, but once they communicated with each other, they were able to express themselves in the proper way to help their relationship rather than continue to argue about it. 

All too often many of us experience these issues in relationships and we react the same way as this couple did.  A lot of people try to avoid conflict so much that they push it under a rug until one day even the smallest thing like ‘what’s for dinner’ sets off a massive fight. The key here being:  COMMUNICATION.  In close relationships, we need to remember that it’s all about communication and without it the relationship will never be as strong as it could be.  We should not avoid topics, keep secrets, or use hurtful words or messages.  When we do we need to simmer down and do what the couple in this story did…go to each other with understanding and respect of the other persons feelings, talk to each other like human beings and have a discussion about what the issues may be, collaborate, compromise, yield, and forgive. 

I think that most people argue because they don’t know how to communicate effectively but I believe relationships fail because of conflict escalation and couples not knowing how to manage conflict.